too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you didnt know i had herpes?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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