Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
