Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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