So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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