there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
