i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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