i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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