Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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