what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
