: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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