I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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