Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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