you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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