i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
