I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
