I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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