I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
