I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
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