note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
