I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
