Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
