Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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