she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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