my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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