no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
