Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
