There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
