I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
