I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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