the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
