I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
