High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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