Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize