She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
