One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize