Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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