You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
