She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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