woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
