Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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