Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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