Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
