I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
if i died would you start the facebook group?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
