man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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