im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
