I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
