Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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