If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
