btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
