i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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