In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
