allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Your penis caused this!
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