you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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