I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
