You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize