i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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