Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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