Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
