i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
