I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
