I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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