Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
