i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
