nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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