Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
