That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
