i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
